Broken
by vogonsoup
Summary: Dan and Phil are so busy, too busy for each other it seems, they seem to be drifting apart. Can Pj's advice help? A short tragi-fiction


Dan and Phil had been offered a last minute trip to New York, which they really couldn't turn down, it was in collaboration with Fuse, and they would get to meet Fall Out Boy! Dan was over the moon he'd never been to New York before and was acting like a proper fan girl about seeing Fall Out Boy. While they were there Dan couldn't help but notice that Phil had become rather cool to him lately, compared to their early days when they're adoration for each other was so great that it couldn't help but splatter all over their videos.

Phil was more withdrawn, less cuddly, and his glances towards Dan didn't seem to hold the melting loving quality they once did. His body language was all 'we are friends', but they weren't they were so much more, weren't they? Phil had been making a lot more comments about fancying girls he'd met in his videos and tweets lately too. Was he backing away from Dan, or simply fed up of all the Phan fiction. Dan sometimes worried that it could spoil their natural easy rapport even though he really didn't mind the fiction himself. Phil was always more self conscious in public than he was. Dan's stomach seemed to be lurching all the time these days, every time he smiled at Phil and he didn't even acknowledge it or catch Dan's eye, every time he brushed against Phil and he drew away, every time Phil looked at him as if he was just a friend.

Dan didn't want to believe that Phil was going off him he was under a lot of pressure, and he liked to look after people so now that Dan was bringing more money in to their little family of two perhaps Phil felt he'd lost his 'reason' a little. Dan made a mental note to be extra especially nice to him when they got home.

On their return to the UK they had a lot to do with several other projects on the go. Dan went out of his way to care for Phil and give him lots of attention and encouragement, just as Phil had done for him. Dan wasn't feel well though, he couldn't put his finger quite on what it was but he just felt that sometimes he couldn't breath, felt sick all the time and couldn't motivate himself to do anything. Once he'd attended one or two things he'd promised to go to he just seemed to collapse inwardly and spent time at home playing games, watching films, and more than either of those two things watching Phil.

Phil busied himself with editing his video, which didn't mention Dan once. That was happening more and more lately in the past they'd often casually mention each other simply because they were such a big part of one another's lives, and couldn't help photo bomb each others videos because they just couldn't keep away from each other. Dan had made a video with PJ recently 'the pushover' they'd had a good laugh doing it and their friendship had deepened even further than when they'd all been the 'Fantastic Foursome'. So Dan wasn't surprised that Peej was the one to ring him first to ask where he'd got to.

PJ made sure to come straight over to see Dan, he recognised the flat despondency in his voice and he didn't like it, Dan was always such a little.. okay big... ray of sunshine. "I don't know Peej, I feel as if Phil is slipping away from me, he doesn't like it when people talk to me and ignore him and God I feel that too, it's so bloody rude if nothing else. He's started to say things like, what about me then? It didn't help the other day when he tweeted the link for a video of us visiting Radio City Music hall, and his Twitter filled up with people assuming I'd tweeted because my was there. Poor Phil he must have been so frustrated. Do you think he resents me Peej... or maybe I'm just not enough for him any more?".

"I'll give it all up Peej, I'll become 'er indoors because all I want is for Phil to be happy, he's so kind and loving I don't want to spoil that". PJ put his arm around his unusually pale friend and felt the vibrations running through Dan's body like a scared rabbit. He wished he could do something to comfort him but the truth was they'd all noticed Phil's increasing coolness towards him, but he wasn't going to tell Dan that. PJ told Dan that he would call on him every day, and that Dan was to come to him or call for him if he ever felt too down. Also that he should talk to Phil about it, perhaps there were things that Phil was dealing with that he hadn't shared yet that were distracting him.

Phil was making excuses to go out without Dan, making more videos without even talking about it with Dan in the excited way they used to share ideas. Choosing to do so with PJ, Chris and whatever other Youtubers they might happen to find themselves with socially instead. PJ had noticed the way Phil looked at Dan when he'd had their radio show on in the background the Sunday after they returned from New York. When he thought Dan wasn't looking Phil was leaning back not towards Dan as he normally would, and he seemed far away as if he was thinking something he didn't want to be. He noticed the way that Dan was less exuberant around Phil, the uncertain look in his eyes when he glanced at him and the slightly crestfallen look when Phil didn't return his gaze. PJ would have put it down to exhaustion because they had been very busy after all, and flown half way around the world twice in a week to boot. PJ knew them both well enough though to realise that this was not their tired look, it was detachment and anxiety.

Dan continued to cut himself off from public view, no explanations on any of his social media, and even more strange his Danosaurs noticed no message from Phil as each one had often done in the past for one another. Such as 'Dan is really sick at the moment, don't worry he's getting better, but here's some extra unseen footage from other videos for now'.

It was Saturday and both boys had slept in, Dan reached across the bed to Phil craving physical contact, he assumed Phil was still asleep as he didn't move as he normally would have when Dan touched him. So Dan feeling empty inside, confused and more scared than he'd ever been shuffled closer to Phil and spooned him wrapping his arms around the boy who'd saved him, the boy who was his best friend, his first and only real love, nuzzling into his neck feeling his heart start to beat again, he'd felt lately it had turned to stone so was glad to feel something there again.

"Dan" Phil's voice was quiet, "yes Philion", "This is really hard for me to say, so I'm just going to say it ok" Dan felt everything inside him turn to hot liquid lava, he felt sick and as if he wanted to pee at the same time. Please God don't let Phil be going to say what I think he is. "I don't know if I love you anymore"

Dan was not breathing, frozen in place almost blacking out with the sick horror of what he was hearing, he started to shake, and could only make a little noise as if to indicate to Phil to go on. "I'm nearly twenty seven now Dan, and you're still so young"... "but Phil I stuttered, you were young when we met too, we've grown together, I'm more mature for my age because of it, and you've retained your innocence and youth fullness, surely you can't be using an age gap as an excuse!". "We can still work together continued Phil we are a team you and me, I still love you as a friend, I'm just not sure I feel it here" Phil "indicated his heart with Dan's hand "anymore". We have to be more professional Dan now, we've had great fun but perhaps it's time to take work things more seriously... "bbut it's sharing the fun that people like Phil..." Phil sighed, started to say something "I've been i.." stopped sighed again and pulled the covers back.

Dan had stopped responding. Phil took this as a sign to get out of their bed, he brushed Dans hair from his eyes full of unshed tears, he leant down and kissed Dans forehead and then the tears started to spill. Phil stood back and said, I'll give you a chance to get yourself together Dan, I'll pop out and get us some coffee, and we'll talk when I get back ok?" Dan couldn't answer he felt as if his life force was being sucked out of him.

He heard Phil leave the apartment, within half an hour his phone was buzzing with calls and texts. He didn't even bother picking it up he noticed some of the words from the texts scroll along the top of his phone. PJ - Dan, I've just seen Phil on the way to Starbucks, I'm coming over. You're going to come and stay with me for a bit, so I can look after you ok", Chris - "Dan hang in there buddy, I'm sure you and Phil can sort things out. I'll be back tonight, see you at PJs", Cat - "God Dan, I can't believe this, we all love you ok, you let PJ take care of you". He turned his phone over, he hated all these well meaning messages they meant it was real. Phil had told others! How could he he'd only just told him. That meant that 'we'll talk about it' meant we'll talk about the split, not possible reconciliation. The sobs started to come harder now, his mind reeling he felt faint.

Phil stood at the counter in Starbucks, recalling his conversation with PJ, he'd been shocked and quite angry at him. Peej really liked Dan, who didn't? He called Phil a cold hearted bastard and told him to stop being so self absorbed, to remember how much Dan and I had been through. As PJ's words ran around in my head I let myself remember, I did feel something, God who was I kidding I loved Dan. I'd been so tired exhausted even, I didn't feel I had the energy to keep going let alone make Dan happy, so I'd withdrawn. I knew I had I could feel it happening against my will. I hadn't told Dan but I'd been having tests at the hospital, my GP had though't I could have leukaemia I'd been so scared and so worried that I would die and leave him alone, perhaps that was what had started my withdrawal wanting to cut myself off from him before I died so he could start to cope without me before I left him forever, I didn't want my Dan to suffer. When thank goodness I'd been told it was only a bad case of anaemia with an underlying infection, that I was going to live it took a while for me to readjust to not having to leave Dan, to letting him love me.

God how could I have been so stupid and cruel, I thought again of course I still loved Dan, it was a more mature love but one where I should be able to tell him how I was feeling, let him comfort me and help me. I texted PJ and thanked him for his verbal kick in the cherries, he said he was already on his way over because Dan hadn't been responding to his texts and calls, so he'd meet me there. He thought Dan would need a bit of extra support after having his legs kicked out from under him. Ouch Peej I thought but I couldn't blame him for making sure his friend was ok after what I'd done to him.

My heart raced, I needed to see Dan to beg his forgiveness, and tell him I still loved him that we needed to slow down a little and look after ourselves and each other. PJ texted to say he'd let himself in, our little group had all exchanged keys for cases of emergency and house sitting while the others were away. My feet seemed to have wings and my arms ached for my gorgeous, sweet, trusting boyfriend, I'd tell him everything.

I shut our door behind me, the apartment was quiet, then I heard PJ's voice mumbling, relief flooded through me, they must still be in the bedroom PJ would have told Dan that I knew I was an idiot. I burst into the bedroom, PJ was huddled over Dan stroking his hair whispering. God poor Dan must be so cut up! I moved to the other side of the bed and did a double take. Pj was crying, rivers of tears flowing unbroken down his cheeks spilling onto my Daniel, he pierced me blood shot pale green/blue eyes holding words unspoken. As I took in the still pale form of my love, beautiful shimmering eyes open tears wet on his cheeks, but no breath moving his ribcage.

At the inquest they could do nothing but cite natural causes as his cause of death. PJ had tried to resuscitate him, as did the paramedics. PJ never failed to remind me that Dan died of a broken heart, he just gave up living, his breath stopped, his heart stopped and he just let it. I just hoped that one day soon my broken heart would stop too, my breath still and let me be with Dan.


End file.
